“The glory which You have given Me I have given to them, that they may be one, just as We are one; I in them and You in Me, that they may be perfected in unity, so that the world may know that You sent Me, and loved them, even as You have loved Me” (NASB John 17:22-23).
Unity is crucially important to God, but how to achieve harmony is counter-intuitive for Kingdom people.
The Price of Avoiding Dissenting Ideas
At the Center for Peace and Conflict Studies in Fresno, CA, Deanna and I learned that teams that demand unity would continually fracture.
Group Think
Groupthink is a psychological phenomenon that occurs within a group of people in which the desire for harmony or conformity in the group results in an irrational or dysfunctional decision-making outcome. It is characterized by self-deception, forced manufacture of consent, and conformity to group values and ethics. Groupthink reduces the efficiency of collective problem-solving and may lead to bad decisions (ChatGPT, personal communication, April 2, 2023).
The Abilene Paradox
One sultry Texas Saturday, a businessman was relaxing with his family. He wondered how they could have quality time together, so he threw out an idea. “How about if we go to Abilene for the day?” Abilene was a city over 100 miles away, and cars did not have air conditioners in those days. The man’s wife, two daughters, and mother-in-law agreed to the day trip. At the end of the exhausting day, when they all expressed their gratitude to be back at their fantastic, peaceful house and discovered that no one in the group had wanted to leave that morning. They all agreed because they thought everyone else wanted to go, and they wanted to be team players.
“The Abilene paradox describes a group dynamic where the collective agrees on a path of action that none of the individual members want to do. It involves a common breakdown of group communication in which each member mistakenly believes that their own preferences are counter to the group’s and therefore does not raise objection. Jerry Harvey, the management expert who identified and named the phenomenon, calls it a “failure to manage agreement” (ChatGPT, personal communication, April 2, 2023).
The Rewards of Welcoming Dissenting Ideas
In Fresno, at the Peace Center, the leaders taught us that groups that embrace dissenting ideas flourish. “If you have a leadership team of five people and welcome dissenting opinions, you will avoid polarizing your team and develop a resilient unity. On one issue, you may see three people on one side of the issue and two on the other. The next point may have four on one side and yet another, a different 2-3 configuration. Teams that embrace conflicting ideas grow strong as they work past obstacles to discover previously hidden and better ways forward.
Examples from Scripture
- In Acts 5, the religious leadership team was so furious at the apostles they decided to kill them. Then one of the group came up with a dissenting idea, and thankfully the leadership team moved away from their first group decision.
“So in the present case, I say to you, stay away from these men and let them alone, for if this plan or action is of men, it will be overthrown; but if it is of God, you will not be able to overthrow them; or else you may even be found fighting against God” (Acts 5:38-39).
- Jesus did not expel the dissenter from his disciples even though He knew who would betray Him.
“For Jesus knew who would betray him. That is what he meant when he said, ‘Not all of you are clean’” (NIV John 13:11).
Why is Conflict So Difficult?
Many people are uncomfortable with conflicting ideas, so they either shrink down or take charge.
In marriage counseling, couples commonly say, “We never had any arguments until we started getting marriage counseling.” When we hear this, we know one of the two was being dominated. As they learn to express their views in ways that are different, the result is often uncomfortable and awkward conversations.
- I remember a story from the Yukon. A coworker was a truck driver. One day he came home to Whitehorse after about a week on the road to an empty house. His wife of ten years had packed up her stuff and left. “…and I thought we had a happy marriage.”
- A pastor friend told me over a period of years of his pain when people would leave his church. He would not know they had left until they’d been gone for some time. When he started asking questions of the absent people’s friends the reasons they left did not seem logical.
- One day about twenty-five years ago, a best friend and co-leader mentioned to me, “I am quitting and leaving this Saturday. You are such a bad leader. I cannot bear working with you anymore.” I can still remember where we were sitting, in my pickup, on a particular street in a Brazilian town. That was the first time I could appreciate what my friend in the Yukon who arrived home to an empty house experienced.
I could go on with more examples of times when one well-meaning friend is utterly oblivious to the feelings of someone they love. The question arises, “Who is responsible?” Is it the one who is unaware or the one who is silent? The most straightforward answer is the best. Both are responsible. Both have the power to change their system if they are sufficiently motivated. The price, though, is to learn to become comfortable with chaos or that state where you are in unknown territory. This concept is so vital for God’s people that Bible authors included it on page 2.
Genesis 2
The story begins with God creating a Garden in the East and placing a man in the Garden. At the end of the story, God made a woman, and the two are in perfect unity in an ideal world where God reigns supreme. The story describes a beautiful River that waters the whole Garden, and then the report includes a whole paragraph about how that River in Eden leaves the Garden and divides into four rivers. An entire section in this second story is about rivers that water the regions of Babylon, Assyria, and Egypt, places outside the Garden that contain good gold, among other things.
One lesson that helps me from this story is that now that we have access to the Kingdom of God, that realm where Jesus is King, we can spend time each morning with God, getting filled with the fruit of the Spirit, and then we can go into a chaotic world with God to do our work (Matt. 28:16-20). Becoming comfortable with chaos and curious when people do things that don’t make sense is my greatest lesson this past decade. Learning not to panic but rather to thrill when things are out of control… people pay big money for experiences God wants for all His people. We are called to an abundant life (John 10:10).
Practically, what if we react before we think during a conflict? What if we shut down internally, or, rising to the challenge of competition, we lose sight of the goal of a good decision and will do anything to win the argument or our viewpoint? We learned how to respond to life’s challenges in our childhood. If you want to change your impulsive and reactive responses to challenges, try changing your reactions in your family. First, think about times when being silent or aggressive helped you as a child. Then think of times it has tripped you up as an adult. The idea is to increase your ability to choose the best option for each situation. Your family is a great place to practice. Families are God’s idea.
In Summary
In conclusion, the best unity often comes on the other side of healthy conflict. If we settle too soon, or if we are too intent on controlling outcomes, we may miss many treasures and experiences that God has in store for us.
