In Manaus we gave an introduction to Discovery Groups, and to Immanuel Prayer. Many in this group feel wounded from other church groups. Thinking in terms of Pilgrim’s Progress, is this along the journey for all of us? Is this your story, by any chance? I remember hearing that the Vineyard started in Los Angeles with wounded Christians, people who have been hurt by other Christians or church people. Is this a normal way for great movements to start? When these early Vineyard people started moving in the gifts of the Spirit, I remember John Wimber calling them wounded healers.

“I can no longer go to Sunday School. Now I am 12. Next week I can start going to Youth Group.”

We met Edilson and Maria at the InterVinha Event in Altamira a month ago. After prayer we accepted their invitation to come teach their very young church about Discovery Groups.

We hardly knew Edilson and Maria. I only remember one brief conversation as we were waiting in line together to wash our dishes at the InterVinha Conference. By the time we had stayed in their home Thursday – Monday we felt like long-time friends. They let us stay in their master bedroom with the new bed, the only air conditioner and the only bathroom in the house. They stayed in a smaller bedroom with no windows and used the neighbor’s (their son and daughter-in-law’s) bathroom. Manaus is sweltering hot and humid at this time of year. In the afternoon, even in the air-conditioned bedroom I sit on the floor dripping with sweat as I work on my computer.

This culture feels closer to the Bible culture in Jesus’ time.

“When you enter a house . . . stay there, eating and drinking whatever they give you, for the worker deserves his wages. Do not move around from house to house” (Luke 10:5-7).

This is one thing I really love about the missionary life. Even though I am way more in my comfort zone staying in hotels, as we stay in people’s homes we can quickly move from strangers to lifelong friends.

In this home I was surprised to see these worn Bibles, and other Christian books, alongside of a big flat screen tv. Maybe that is because I have read a digital Bible for years now. It is easy to see that these people love God, His Word, and His work. They are also very tired and worn out.

David Watson, who started Discovery Groups in India, said it is very important to stay in people’s homes, and to have People of Peace stay in your home. The way we live and react to the things that happen in life are more caught than taught. For example, as people see how I treat Deanna when I am hungry or impatient, they learn how Christians treat their wives when they are hungry or impatient.

One of my strengths is sometimes a weakness. I want everyone to like me. But what do you do when personalities clash? I learned to give gifts, to give people space, and to be nice. Now I am learning to engage in difficult conversations, to listen actively, to speak assertively, and to act on what God calls me to do. Last week I learned a new truth.

Did you know that you can turn an enemy into a friend by asking them to do you a favor?

“This was a phenomenon first observed by Benjamin Franklin . . . [who claimed] that he could easily turn an enemy into a friend with one simple act — asking them for a favor” (King, P., 2017, pp. 29-30).

Social scientists believe there are several reasons why this works.

• You are interacting with the person who you may be avoiding. This helps bring down walls.
• When you ask someone for a favor, this is a subtle form of flattery. You are kind of submitting to the other person’s strength. This is gratifying to the other person.
• People do not naturally do favors for their enemies. King theorized that when someone we don’t like asks us to do them a favor our brain starts telling us, “They are not actually that bad. They have strengths. That is why I am doing them this favor.” Unconsiously we start liking the other person more.
• King stated that it is also helpful to “perform small, subtle favors for your enemies and frenemies. Actively performing favors for others builds goodwill and indicates a willingness to be friendly and open. You are raising the white flag of peace and sending the signal that you don’t harbor any ill will” (pp 34-35).

Jesus teaches that accepting favors from strangers is a way to quickly build trust. ^“Stay there, eating and drinking whatever they give you, for the worker deserves his wages. Do not move around from house to house” (NIV Luke 10:7).

If you want to give the gospel to someone there is a danger that you will establish a power-over relationship. “I know stuff. You don’t. I am saved. You are not.” It is often awkward for people to enter into power-over relationships when they are in the power-under side. As we receive favors from others, this levels the relationship. People are freer to receive what we have to offer if they have done us a favor.

Both Deanna and I grew up in hospitable homes. I remember commenting to my family one time when I was about 15 years old that it was just our immediate family at the table for the first time in a year. We always had guests and boarders, and so did Deanna’s family. When Danny Meyer, Craig Heselton, and many others started bringing teams to Altamira in the 1990s, it felt natural to be hospitable. But as these teams received our hospitality they rapidly became among our best friends, and they remain among our best friends to this day. Doing favors for others, and receiving favors from others, may set the stage for great friendships.

If you have any experience with this, you know it is humbling to receive food and favors from strangers, especially when these strangers struggle financially. I remember meals among the river people where us guests were fed first. We were given the choice selections in the soup pot, and we could eat all we wanted. Later I realized it was because this family only had four plates and spoons, and limited amounts of food in certain seasons. When we studied how to learn a foreign language and culture we were told to leave our backpack with a vendor we barely knew, so the vendor could do us a favor for a hour or so, while we did something else. The teacher said that asking a stranger for help is a way to build trust and become friends. King (2017) noted that it is most helpful to ask for a real favor, one that is somewhere between too big and too insignificant. Receiving is still more awkward than giving for me. Learning to both give and receive is an effective way to turn strangers and enemies into friends.

References
King, P., 2017, The science of likability: 27 studies to master charisma, attract friends, captivate people, and take advantage of human psychology (pp. 29-30). Kindle Edition.

HOMEWORK: This week ask a stranger or an enemy to do a favor for you, one that is genuine, and that will take them about 3 minutes to do. Not too big, not too small. Email me the story at rick.bergen@xingu.org .

A few weeks ago Clenildo told me, “Let’s start teaching about this in a bunch of different places and let’s see what happens.” I remembered Jesus story about the Farmer Sowing the Seeds in Matthew 13. This week we are in Manaus, teaching about Discovery Groups. We plan to come back to do more training in November.

An urban legend describes church leaders discussing how many angels can simultaneously stand on the head of a pin as the black plague was breaking out in Europe. In Bible School I was told that these early theologians agreed on the number 10,000. While I do not know if this an actual fact, I’ve been in enough meetings in my life to know it is easy to become consumed with irrelevant discussions.

Irrelevant preachers answer questions that nobody has. When approached about why they do this, they sometimes respond, “This is important. People should care about this.”  Three of the things I pay attention to, in my quest for relevance, are framing, timing, and presence.

Framing: Relevant speakers learn to frame their important topics using personal examples of how this worked – or didn’t work – for them. They make themselves vulnerable as they share their journey. “This is what the Bible says. Here is my experience, hope, fear, etc. Here is my friend’s experience.”

Timing: Relevant speakers use examples and illustrations that are integrated with the season their audience is living in.

Presence: Relevant speakers have spent enough personal time with the Lord that His presence exudes out of them. They know that God wants to make Himself known to His people so they relax and trust God to do His part.

Matthew 13:52 He said to them, “Therefore every teacher of the law who has become a disciple in the kingdom of heaven is like the owner of a house who brings out of his storeroom new treasures as well as old.”

Relevant speakers address questions that matter to their audience. The topic and views are interesting. They cause reactions. Positively. Negatively. Confusion as assumptions are challenged.

A Request for Help

Personalizing this idea: I moved to Brazil in 1993. During that time I have changed and you have changed. I would like to stay relevant.

If any of my articles causes a positive, negative, or confusing reaction in you, please do me a favor and let me know. Is there something you are curious about? Please let me know. Reactions are good. They help me know when I am resonating, striking a nerve, or out of touch.

Thanks,

rb