I am convinced the best way to break generational chains of poverty and brokenness is to plant community churches as safe places where people can be encouraged by others who are learning to walk with God. I love planting churches and training leaders. But Covid shook things up, and some people are rethinking their church groups.
I am curious about why you go or why you quit going to church.
1. If we go to church for world-class Christian teaching, we may be better off going online.
2. If we go to church for world-class worship, we can watch YouTube.
3. If we go to church to pool our charitable donations with others to significantly impact our communities or unreached people, you can find online options ideally suited to your preferences.
4. I think we go to church to see our people. These are the folks with whom we are going to heaven. I think the best part of church is the 15 minutes before and after the service when we interact.
Who are My People?
One friend told me a story of a person who left their church for a megachurch of another denomination. I think the big church had better teaching. When that person died many years later, the funeral was held at the megachurch, but the participants were almost all from the person’s church of origin. My friend told me, “You know who your people are by watching who attends your funeral.”
Thoughts About Switching Churches
1. There are many good and proactive reasons to join or plant a church. For example, maybe a new church is closer to your home. It will be easier for your children and neighbors to get involved. Perhaps God clearly spoke to you to join another church or to plant a church. Maybe you moved, and you are looking for a church. Perhaps you just got married and are looking for a congregation where you can establish your new identity.
2. Be careful about reactively leaving your church community. I know some people who leave because of their pastor or some people in their church. They think a fresh start will bring relief. The problem is that we bring our personalities with us wherever we go. Jesus, in His mercy, will connect you with the same kind of people so you can keep working on your issues in the new group. They might even be more exaggerated. God’s mercy helps us keep working on our character. God’s curse is when He quits getting involved.
For our earthly fathers disciplined us for a few years, doing the best they knew how. But God’s discipline is always good for us, so we might share in his holiness. No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening—it’s painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way (Heb. 12:10-11).
Difficult Relationships
Difficult people present opportunities for emotional and spiritual growth. Jesus had some ideas about this.
“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector” (Matt. 18:15-17).
I used to think verse 15 meant either ignoring difficult people or doing your best to humbly and firmly get complicated people to see things your way. If I needed more clout, I could bring my friends. That rarely worked. It felt adversarial.
Now I see it like this. If someone does something crazy against me, or if I get triggered somehow, I am learning to react curiously and non judgementally. “What just happened?” “Why did you just do or say that?”
I do not try to
Pursue Sameness
Distance or Avoid
Triangle in a Third Person / Ally
Give up My Responsibility
Try to Rescue or Fix the other.
(Brown, 2019, p. 114).
If something crazy happens, I treat it like an anomaly, like a speed bump on the road. As soon as possible, I find a reason to sit by the person or ask a favor, to pretend nothing happened. That situation might have to get sorted out, but the relationship is not on the table. I do not label them as “those kinds of people” in a derogatory way, but rather treat them “As someone created in the image of God. We live in a broken world. I’m not sure what happened there, but we’ll get past it.”
If I am not well received and it will be helpful, I might ask someone we both respect to help us overcome a difficulty. If I am in an emotionally triggered state, I have never found it helpful to try to work things out, even with a third party. Emotions are contagious, and situations quickly escalate. If, however, I am full of the Holy Spirit, nonjudgmental, calm, and hopeful, that is contagious too. Unless you get overpowered and triggered emotionally by the other, then it is time to go back to your prayer closet or your mentor and learn how to grow spiritually stronger.
Final Thoughts
My mom was a member of the same church for 74 years. Her family joined the church when she was 15. The church was one-year-old. When Mom was 26, her brother, Art, brought a logging friend to Sunday School. Mom married the logging friend, and together they were members until they died in their late 80s. She reminds me of Daniel. The kings came and went, and Daniel faithfully served God by serving his people.
Remember that if you leave your church because of a complicated pastor or problematic relationship, you also leave all your other people. Groups of people function like systems. We all play an essential role, and your church system changes when you are no longer present.
“And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left” (Heb. 10:24-26).
What are your thoughts about leaving or switching churches?
References
Brown, J. (2019). Church unity and anxious togetherness forces. In J. Brown & L. Errington (Eds.). Bowen family systems theory in Christian ministry: Grappling with theory and its application through a biblical lens (106-122). The Family Systems Practice.
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