Sometimes our desire to protect the people we love doesn’t turn out as we hoped. I see many marital, parental, and pastoral power struggles and wonder about the best way forward. Reflecting on my experiences, assuming a power-over solution to other adults and the opposite behavior avoidance are often unhelpful. Engaging in awkward conversations with a calm, curious, thoughtful attitude, on the other hand, is often powerful and helpful.
Jesus explained that both salt and light change their surroundings because of their presence, simply by being what they are. There is no sense of power struggles or being triggered, but there is a sense of a calm, felt presence that radiates outward.
“You are the salt of the earth; but if the salt has become tasteless, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled under foot by men.
“You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden; nor does anyone light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven” (Mt. 5:13-16).
Three Biblical Examples
1. David’s questions about Goliath triggered his older brother. Rather than responding thoughtfully to his younger brother, Eliab employed a power-over attitude. Eliab’s response to David may have eased his own anxiety, but it did not dissuade David or even slow him down.
“Now Eliab his oldest brother heard when he spoke to the men; and Eliab’s anger was aroused against David, and he said, ‘Why did you come down here? And with whom have you left those few sheep in the wilderness? I know your pride and the insolence of your heart, for you have come down to see the battle’” (NKJV, 1 Sam. 17:28).
2. Gideon’s dad didn’t punish Gideon, nor did he rescue him. He took the thoughtful attitude of, “Let’s see how this works out.”
The people said to each other, “Who did this?” And after asking around and making a careful search, they learned that it was Gideon, the son of Joash. “Bring out your son,” the men of the town demanded of Joash. “He must die for destroying the altar of Baal and for cutting down the Asherah pole.”
But Joash shouted to the mob that confronted him, “Why are you defending Baal? Will you argue his case? Whoever pleads his case will be put to death by morning! If Baal truly is a god, let him defend himself and destroy the one who broke down his altar!” (NLT, Jdg 6:29-31).
3. The Apostle Paul – The Apostle Paul was a crucial person in the formation of the Corinthian church (1 Cor. 4). The Corinthians asked Paul for advice (1 Cor. 7:1). Experienced founding pastors often have culturally relevant advice based on a deep love for the individuals involved, and wise leaders wait until their experience and council is requested. Peter wrote that Paul’s teachings were sometimes hard to understand and easy to take out of context (2 Pet. 3:14-16). When asked, Paul encouraged the Corinthian believers not to pick their favorite leaders, which leads to power struggles, that they not wink at blatant sin in their midst, and that they all learn to encourage one another in church (1 Cor. 14:31).
Three Personal Examples
1. When I was 14, mom told me it was time to go to the dentist again. As usual, I kicked up a fuss. Mom paused, looked at me thoughtfully, and said, “OK, the decision is yours. I’ll take you if you want.” I opted not to go. My choice resulted in an absessed tooth pulled, a bridge, and a plant, costing significant pain and money.
2. When I was 15 I started chewing tobacco at work, something our family and church culture despised. I carried a container of Skoal in my back pocket. One day, dad asked me in front of others what the round container I always had in my back pocket was. I don’t think anyone else knew what it was, but he did. Even so, he never pushed it. I always appreciated that moment.
3. When my parents found pot in my room, they took it to the police. Then they decided corporal punishment would help me and set a good example for my siblings. They were anxious and triggered by my evasive and contrary behavior, and I do not remember any thoughtful discussions around controversial topics. Not long after their power-over behavior, I quit high school and left home.
What is Helpful?
While I am grateful my parents protected me and provided for me as a young child, I am also grateful we developed an adult, mutually-respectful, peer relationship.
How About You?
Would you rather be protected by your spouse, parent, pastor, or community leader, or engage in thoughtful discussions and take your chances with your best choice? And along these lines, how do you treat those under your leadership?
Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic.