Fifteen years ago, I didn’t even know Conflict Resolution was a thing. Now the concept is so familiar it goes by the nickname ConRes. Many professionals, however, have changed the name to Conflict Management because conflicts often get driven underground, only to reappear again and again.
Ghosting
Take ghosting, for instance.
Ghosting is a term used to describe the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication. The concept most often refers to romantic relationships but can also describe disappearances from friendships and the workplace. People respond to being ghosted in many ways, from feeling indifferent to deeply betrayed.
(ChatGPT, personal communication, March 22, 2023).
Ghosting sometimes happens when people in power do not know what to do, so they opt for a win/lose solution in their favor. The problem is, these solutions are often temporary.
King David’s Disaster Story
The Bible teaches through stories because it is the best way to teach the complexities of how we are to do right by God and people within our cultural contexts.
One wonders why David stopped acting with the integrity he had as a younger man. In the wilderness, running because of unjust charges, David honored God and his family, but when he got into power, he sometimes fell to manipulation and ghosting people he loved. At one point, for example, David refused to let one of his sons return home for three years, even though he loved and wanted to see him (2 Sam. 13:37-14:1). Then David invited Absolom back to the royal city, but for more two years continued to refuse to see him.
However, the king said, “Let him turn to his own house, and let him not see my face.” So Absalom turned to his own house and did not see the king’s face (2 Sam. 14:24).
The relational challenges escalated and took on a life of their own.
Now Absalom lived two full years in Jerusalem, and did not see the king’s face.
Then Absalom sent for Joab, to send him to the king, but he would not come to him. So he sent again a second time, but he would not come.
Therefore he said to his servants, “See, Joab’s field is next to mine, and he has barley there; go and set it on fire.” So Absalom’s servants set the field on fire.
Then Joab arose, came to Absalom at his house and said to him, “Why have your servants set my field on fire?”
Absalom answered Joab, “Behold, I sent for you, saying, ‘Come here, that I may send you to the king, to say, “Why have I come from Geshur? It would be better for me still to be there.” ’ Now therefore, let me see the king’s face, and if there is iniquity in me, let him put me to death”
2 Sam. 14:28-32.
David continued to love Absolom but did not express that love when the time was right (2 Sam. 19:1-7).
NOTE: There are extreme cases where one person feels unsafe around another. That is another situation. But the Bible has much to say about how healthy people resolve conflict.
Conflict Resolution Evolved in Genesis
Some leaders at the Fresno Center for Peacemaking and Conflict Studies consider Genesis as a book about the evolution of conflict resolutions. Deanna and I audited a course there 15 years ago, thanks to Mike Sheedy among others, and I still remember the series of morning devotionals.
1. Do Away With the Other.
Cain uses a power-over conflict solution—no more problems. Or is there? (Gen. 4).
2. Distance.
Abraham uses a power-over solution and sends Hagar away. No more problems… for the moment (Gen. 21:9-21).
3. “Don’t go away mad. Just go away.”
Jacob pretends to befriend Esau, but when Esau wants to travel and hang out together, Jacob wants nothing to do with him. Their conflict continued for generations (Gen 33:1-16).
4. Reconciliation.
His brothers brutally mistreat Joseph but by the end of the story, both parties seek to serve the other. Reconciliation is God’s best choice for human relationships, and the book of Genesis closes. Jacob’s reconciled family hung together for many generations.
[Joseph’s brothers approach Joseph].
“And now, please forgive the transgression of the servants of the God of your father.”
And Joseph wept when they spoke to him.
Then his brothers also came and fell down before him and said,
“Behold, we are your servants.”
But Joseph said to them,
“Do not be afraid, for am I in God’s place?
“As for you, you meant evil against me,
but God meant it for good
to bring about this present result
and preserve many people alive.
“So therefore, do not be afraid;
I will provide for you and your little ones.”
So he comforted them and spoke kindly to them.
Genesis 50:17b-21.
Best Practices
1. Become the best version of yourself in difficult circumstances, and then hold to your character/lessons/principles when you gain power and resources (Matt. 5-7).
2. As far as it concerns you, be at peace with everyone, all the time (Romans 12:18).
3. Reconciliation only works if both parties are in agreement. But what if the other party doesn’t want reconciliation? Keep being the best version of yourself. People and situations change over time. If you are able to refrain from reacting with anger, distance, adapting, or triangling, you’ll be in a good position to move toward reconciliation when the other party is ready.
4. Do not let rejection become an anchor in your spiritual growth. If you react with anger or distance, you may stay anchored to the problem. If you cut the anchor cables with forgiveness, you may be in a position to be a healing agent.
5. Lean into spiritual growth in adverse circumstances with more prayer and time with God. Learn to wait for God’s timing. Sometimes the hardest obedience is waiting. One time Saul was so eager for action he acted prematurely and Samuel said that act cost him his kingdom (1 Sam. 13:8-14). I wonder how often we try to manipulate people we love and mess up God’s better plans. Our attempt at a shortcut becomes another lap around the training mountain. Thankfully love covers a multitude of errors, and God keeps working with willing people (1 Pet. 4:8).
6. “Let’s work with the people who want to work with us.” Deanna and I continually encourage ourselves even as we scan our relationship world for changes and opportunities.
So, let us go out to Him outside the camp, bearing His reproach (Heb. 13:13).
7. How we treat others is how we treat God.
And He [Jesus] said to him, “ ‘YOU SHALL LOVE THE LORD YOUR GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART, AND WITH ALL YOUR SOUL, AND WITH ALL YOUR MIND.’
“This is the great and foremost commandment.
“The second is like it, ‘YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.’
“On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets.”
(Matt. 22:37-40).
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