Question
Paternalism is a big word in some missionary or cross-cultural church work circles.
As I understand it, the idea is that paternalism is not a good thing because it has to do with power over. We are interested in mutual dignity and respect, being peers.
Question: How do we know when paternalism is gone? What would a no-paternalism group look or feel like in a diverse multi-cultural team?
A Dream
I had a dream this week. In my dream, I was in the courts of heaven, and God was talking to others about a person close to me for whom I had been interceding. “You can try this and try that, but if all that doesn’t work, Rick knows I don’t mind allowing some bombs to go off.” In my dream, I snapped to attention and spun around to where I heard God talking. I had been looking away or daydreaming, but suddenly, God had my full attention. “Wait a minute,” I said. “I didn’t know you liked confusion.” “Well, think about it,” God looked at me. “Confusion often brings people closer to me.” Then I woke up.
I reflected on this strange dream and realized I have come to appreciate the opportunities conflict brings to people and situations. Conflicts are symptoms that something is out of sync.
If our goal is to raise and release servant leaders who will work sacrificially to raise and release servant leaders, we need to learn to be comfortable sitting with our friends or family when they are struggling, even if we have the means to bail them out. When we help our children or those with whom we are working, sometimes that is the right thing to do.
Training to Not Dominate
Peter says we are not to dominate those entrusted to us but to lead by example (1 Peter 5:3). In our families, we can see the progression from immaturity to maturity. A baby screams until they get milk. They dominate their parents. As the baby matures, in healthy families, they dominate less and less until they leave home, get married, and become peers with their parents, even though there is always an honorary bond as children must honor their parents. It’s in the big 10 (Exodus 20:1-17).
In mature relationships, the “I am the one who receives, you are the one who gives” changes to mutual servant leadership, children and parents serving one another through helpful help. There is unhelpful help that supports the over-under relationship, and there is also beneficial help from overflowing love and a desire to serve. And sometimes helpful service means letting your anxious, distraught friend, child, or parent work their stuff out with God by venting, and you, as an adult, are okay with that because you remember your process. Jesus also mentioned that when we give, we are not to let the right hand know what the left hand is doing (Matt. 6:3). Sometimes, we can bail our friends out to keep things rolling along. As with all things, the big secret is to know how to walk with God, to live in the moment, and to treat every situation in conversation with God.
For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; they shall become one flesh (Gen 2:24).
Two Examples
We were visiting wealthy friends in another country. Deanna wanted to buy a frying pan, so our friends took us to a high-end store where frying pans started around $100. We were in unfamiliar territory, but we were on a mission, so Deanna picked one out. Then we wondered if they would pay, as we thought the cost would be negligible to them. Nope. They let us pay. That was a huge favor to us because we realized our friendship was a peer friendship. They were treating us with dignity as peers. So awesome.
Another time, I was doing a Discovery Group with some financially challenged folks. They lived in a wooden house that leans about 15 degrees to one side. The house’s main lights were so dim that we could not read our Bibles. But they were all into the study. Then I asked, “How can we help someone this week?” Blank looks all around. Finally, the wife asked me, “Could you repeat the question? We don’t understand.”
“Who could you help this week?”
“What do you mean?” I could not understand what was happening or why they could not understand, so I explained with examples of helping. Finally, the mother of four children looked at me, “We don’t help people. We are the people that others help.” Over time, they learned to help people. Several weeks later, when we came to that question, the lady said, “I saw a neighbor walking by who looked sad, so I went and encouraged her.” I could clearly see the rising dignity in that lady.
Thoughts?
About paternalism, I’m still trying to understand the meanings people give that concept. Maybe you have some insight?
When have you helped people move toward maturity to become peers?
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