If you only learn stuff you already know, meetings are boring. Since you already knew what was taught, and you are doing your best, how are you going to change? By trying harder?
Jesus understood this. He taught people different ways to behave and to think about things.
“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 5:3).
“It is not this way among you, but whoever wishes to become great among you shall be your servant, and whoever wishes to be first among you shall be your slave; just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many” (Matthew 20:26-28)
We practiced engaging with changed thinking at the marriage conference.
After the opening supper meal, Deanna led the group in an Immanuel Prayer session. When you seek the presence of Jesus, it helps relational circuits turn on.
Each session opened with worship.
The next morning, I opened with a well-known text in Genesis 2.
“Then the LORD God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him’” (Genesis 2:18).
I highlighted the word “helper,” and we discussed the meaning. It was very easy. Everyone knows that if a bricklayer has a helper, the bricklayer is the boss. If a mother has a helper, the mother tells the maid what to clean or cook. She is clearly the boss. The power dynamics are clearly verticle. Simple.
Except that Bible authors used the word differently. The Hebrew word is used 16 times in the Old Testament and is usually God helping or rescuing people who need help.
1. HELPER
I have a computer program that enables me to find the original Hebrew word and then search the Bible for that word to see how the ancient authors used the word.
I asked them to form small groups of two couples each and gave each group a number and different Bible verses where the Hebrew authors used the helper word.
1. Discuss how the word helper was used in your Bible verse.
2. Compare that context to Genesis 2:18.
3. Discuss how the ancient authors thought about the power dynamics between the helper and the one being helped.
4. Come back in 15 minutes and share how you think about the power dynamics between the helper and the helped.
Groups would call me over.
“We don’t understand.”
“Well, who is helping who in your verse?”
“God is rescuing someone.”
“So is God the helper?”
“No.”
“But does he help?”
“Yes.”
“That is the dynamic that you are to discuss.”
Puzzled looks all around because the power relationship was backward.
I could see their brains lock and slowly reengage as they searched for different ways to think about a helper who was not less than them, power-wise. I spoke as little as possible because if I gave them the answer, it would be my answer.
2. POWER DYNAMICS
For the second hour, we brainstormed ways that husbands and wives exerted power over one another to get their way.
We got a whiteboard full of ways. The room was full of emotions and laughter as hidden dynamics came to light.
We talked about whether we really wanted to manipulate or coerce our spouses or if we really wanted to be manipulated or coerced to keep the peace.
I taught them how to actively listen to one another as peers without racing to a solution.
3. COURAGE
For the third session, we brainstormed another whiteboard full of situations and reasons why it takes a lot of courage for both sides to stop the manipulation/coercion habits when emotions are high.
We closed with the small group of four taking turns coming up and sharing their key learning from the morning. By this time, everyone wanted a chance to talk. Each of the four. The pastors got up and wanted to preach. There was a buzz in the room that was helpful to learning. I was surprised. I had to limit them to 90 seconds each so we could get out by lunch.
The afternoon was free. The food was exceptional.
Deanna and Angelita led the second evening with teachings and exercises about lowering anxiety, complete with breakout groups and interaction.
Sunday morning, Clenildo let with communion and a renewing of marriage vows ceremony.
I was surprised by how well it went, and I am grateful for your prayers.
Clenildo officiated in the Lord’s supper and the renewal of marriage vows ceremony.
The participants of the marriage conference near Santarem, on the shores of the Tapajos Tributary of the Amazon River.
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