| Would you take immediate action if you believed our human relationships had eternal, cosmic consequences? Sometimes, we get stuck, and it seems easier to leave things as they are than to address them. However, after taking two prerequisite steps, I find two questions helpful in working through such stuck points. Get Clear About Your Thinking Occasionally people tell me, “You wouldn’t believe what so and so did,” and then they recount the offensive act or words. As a mission leader and authority figure, they might expect me to resolve their problem or at least share their burden so they feel better. This is a classic triangle move, where instead of addressing the offending party directly, they confide in someone they consider safe. I’ve done this myself when unsure of what to do, thinking I was seeking wisdom when I was often venting. Two Prerequisite Steps Jesus emphasized the necessity of being proactive in reconciliation: “Be on your guard! If your brother sins, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him” (Luke 17:3). However, before correcting others, we must deal with is our heart. When Esau was betrayed by his brother Jacob, he talked to his heart. “…And Esau said in his heart, “…I will kill Jacob my brother” (Harris et al., Lexham English Bible, Genesis 27:41). Jesus commands his followers to deal with themselves first.“You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye!” (Matthew 7:5). Forgiving Others: This is within our control. We must forgive from the heart. If thinking of someone makes your heart clench, you still have work to do. Start by deciding to forgive, then ask God to bless them whenever you think of them. Remember, they are created in God’s image, and God will bring necessary corrections when needed. When the sting is gone, an emotional scar may remain, but it will no longer hurt (Matthew 6:14; 18:35). Honoring Others: Jesus warned us to avoid sarcasm, despising, or belittling those who hurt us. “But I say to you that everyone who is angry with his brother shall be answerable to the court; and whoever says to his brother, ‘You good-for-nothing,’ shall be answerable to the supreme court; and whoever says, ‘You fool,’ shall be guilty enough to go into the fiery hell” (Matthew 5:22). John Gottman has done extensive research on marriage relationships, and he can predict with 90% accuracy that engaged couples who come to his clinic will end in divorce. His research helps us understand why Jesus is so emphatic that His disciples learn to avoid criticism at all costs. “Certain kinds of negativity, if allowed to run rampant, are so lethal to a relationship that I call them the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Usually these four horsemen clip-clop into the heart of a marriage in the following order: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling” (Gottman & Silver, 2015, p. 27). Avoiding these can keep you in good standing with God and your people. Moving Toward Reconciliation After completing the prerequisites, two questions can help in thinking through offenses: What would it take for the other person to make things as right as possible? This question often surprises people as they haven’t considered it before. Is that reasonable? Assess the suggestions made by the person for their reasonableness. A Move Forward After prayerful consideration: Identify who comes to mind. Avoid shortcuts: Don’t ask for forgiveness or apologize for things that aren’t your responsibility. Aim to be a humble, loving, resilient servant leader. Assess willingness for reconciliation: If the other party is not interested in owning their part, offer them a loving gesture to show the way back is open when they are ready. If they are willing and it feels safe, consider inviting them to a dialogue, keeping an open mind. If they might like reconciliation but feel unsafe, invite a trusted third party to the conversation. The Next Steps Genesis 26 contains a story about godly reconciliation. Isaac lied to a neighboring king. The king kicked him out of his region. Their workers started fighting. The conflict was escalating. Finally, the outsider king courageously took a leap of faith and approached his lying-but-godly neighbor. Isaac was surprised. “… Isaac said to them, ‘Why have you come to me, since you hate me and have sent me away from you?’” (Ge 26:26–27). The king responded, “We see clearly that Yahweh has been with you” (Ge 28b). How often have we seen God blessing people who did something unethical and never made it right? If situations are going to be reconciled, someone has to take the initiative. The outsider king had thought about how to begin the conversation and what might work. He kept a cool head and was non-defensive as they worked through their differences. After an awkward conversation, Isaac and the outsider king resolved their offenses, agreed, and feasted together. It was a good day. The two previous enemies reached an agreement and moved on to the next step: eating together. Simply avoiding offensive behavior is not enough for lasting reconciliation. There are necessary next steps. John Gottman agrees. “I was not able to crack the code to saving marriages until I started to analyze what went right in happy marriages” (Gottman & Silver, 2015, p. 46). Conclusion Reconciliation is emotionally intense. It’s easier not to get offended and to seek reconciliation quickly. Still, if our human relationships have eternal, cosmic significance, we need to start where we are, ask the Holy Spirit for guidance, and take steps of faith. Forgiving, honoring, and considering how the other party might make things right are ways to begin the journey. Your Thoughts? References Gottman, John M., and Nan Silver. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert. Harmony Books, 2015. Harris, W. H., III, et al., editors. The Lexham English Bible. Lexham Press, 2012. |
Lucy and Paul
 Lucy and Paul are in awe of their parents.   Paul waits for his cousin to be born.  Words fail me. |
Favorite Photos
 This tree proclaims God’s lavish nature with Christmas colors. For you will go out with joy And be led in peace; The mountains and the hills will break into shouts of joy before you, And all the trees of the field will clap their hands (Isaiah 55:12).  The Fraser Valley in BC is transitioning from Fall to Winter colors. We walked down the main street in Mission to see Bella and Emma’s window art. The scene in the window behind Deanna and Bella is one of their masterpieces. |
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