At Regent University, one of my assignments was to conduct a twelve-page textual study on any pericope—a complete story or section—in the Bible. I chose Genesis 2:4-25.
In my study, I concluded that it’s crucial for children to leave their parents’ homes and form a unified bond with their spouse and God because the author inserted it into his masterpiece poem because they prioritized the idea by including it in the foundation story.
The idea is that God’s original plan is for children to leave their parents’ authority to develop a direct and whole relationship with God.
Interestingly, the same author who conveyed this message also wrote the Ten Commandments, which include the directive to honor your father and mother.
This duality highlights a delicate balance on the path to God: on one side, some never truly break free from the idea of parental control; on the other, some fail to maintain respect and honor for their parents.
Parents’ responsibility from the birth of their child until they mature enough to leave home is to guide them into becoming responsible adults.
How can you use this Christmas season, with its increased family activities, and this New Year’s season, when many people set goals, to work on your family relationships?
Remember, baby steps.
My Personal Experience
I know beyond any shadow of a doubt that my parents did their best to
a) love God and obey the Bible
b) love me and prepare me to leave home as an adult.
We both made efforts but developing my own faith was a challenging journey filled with bumps and suffering, hard on our relationship. One helpful thing Dad and Mom did was always welcome me home when I visited. Over a decade after I left home, I sensed God suggesting I leave my high-paying job on those remote northern Canadian islands to move home to reestablish my relationship with my parents. I took a job with the 115 Operating Engineers Union, working alongside my dad at a large paving company. During this time, I saw my dad in a new light, realizing how truly outstanding he was as a leader and as a person.
I lived with my parents until I got married one year later, and I was near them for the next two years until we moved to Brazil. They generously helped us with a down payment on our first house. My dad and mom always tried their hardest to be good parents. However, Dad laughed and was less guarded around others. For example, when his brother came to visit from Manitoba, they would laugh and talk for days. As I reflect on our relationship, Dad was always friendly and attentive to me but more like a loving parent than a peer.
Church Families Too
We often refer to our church planting work in Brazil with family language. Daughter churches also need to leave the authority of their mother church to become peers with them, relating maturely to God and the larger body. It is challenging for some church leaders to balance providing too much oversight and not enough. If not handled correctly, the transition season may lead to relational difficulties. Healthy churches that relate as peers often thrive together.
Thin and Thick Places
Changing a relational system is no easy task. It’s a delicate process, much like childbirth. While the baby thrives in the safety of the womb, the transition to the outside world is necessary but fraught with risks. Ultimately, the goal is for both mother and baby to be healthy, moving from a fragile state to a more stable, albeit still cautious, one.
Similarly, transforming your relationship with your adult children to create a safe space for open discussion is equally complex. If they don’t feel comfortable discussing their ideas with you, they will turn to others.
A Few Ideas
- As your children grow older, focus on asking open-ended questions instead of immediately sharing your opinions.
- Make an effort to truly listen to your children and, when appropriate, share your thoughts or beliefs. Finding the balance between listening to others and defining yourself is an art that is exponentially more challenging with family members.
- Bible.com offers an app where you can participate in a Bible reading program together. Everyone can share a question, highlight, or thought from that day’s reading. Instead of defining its meaning, consider asking genuine, thoughtful questions during your turn.
- Having friends or family members with whom you can engage in meaningful conversations is a wonderful gift, and not as common as we might hope or think.
I hope these suggestions inspire your thinking about nurturing your family relationships.
Summary
Christmas and New Year may provide unique opportunities to nourish your family relationships.
What works for you to move from the thin places of not knowing how to relate, toward the thicker places of healthy mature relationships?
Can you move past the parent/child hierarchies toward more of a “first-among-equals” servant-leader mutually respectful friendship?
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